Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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