Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
