I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
