brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
