In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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