I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
