Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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