The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
