I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
