well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
