Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have already put on my inside pants.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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