I'm going to jail i love you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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