saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
