hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
