I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
