youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
