Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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