who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
