I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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