i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
