Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
