Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
