is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
