So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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