Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
