I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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