First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
