I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
