I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
