Someone shit on the floor
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
