So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
