Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
