i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
