margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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