Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
