ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
