Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
