He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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