I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
