areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
