Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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