Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
