Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
