god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
