If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
