My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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