How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
