Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
