Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
