does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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