Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
