new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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