ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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