I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
This toilet bowl is my home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
