Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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